The "M" Word

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry. Alhamdulilah, All is well in my life. It’s down to the wire in regards to my undergraduate education. Only two more months! Yikes! I don’t have any concrete plans but do hope to do something productive inshAllah. I rather not go into detail about my ambitions because it’s slightly disappointing when they don’t work out. When the projects I’ve applied to work out and are set in stone, I will most definitely fill you in on these plans.

Anyway, let’s get back on track. I’ve been meaning to write about the “M” word for a long time…

Yes, marriage! Not too long ago I posted an article about a “Muslim marriage crisis.” I posted this article to my blog because I thought it was an insightful article and felt it was addressing one of the many critical issues in the Muslim community. I never got around to writing my thoughts about it because I didn’t know how to approach the subject and my busy schedule.

No, no I am not getting married, but everyone else is getting married, already married, considering it, or can’t cease to talk about it.

Marriage is a convoluted subject. It’s even more complicated for me because of my cultural background and personal beliefs. I come from a family where arranged marriages are the norm. A few friends have expressed their disgust at this practice, but I find nothing wrong with it when done the proper way. Typically, an arranged marriage in my family is a deal made between a set of parents. The male and female in question do not meet each other until the day of the engagement or nikkah (the religious wedding ceremony). Forget about getting to know each other, the couple has no idea what his/her future spouse even looks like!

I want to clarify for those unfamiliar with Islam that forced marriage isn’t an Islamic practice. Muslims are not supposed to date unless they are seriously interested in marriage. When someone is interested in marriage, he/she can meet a potential spouse in the presence of a chaperone. Couples may meet through mutual friends or through family members and decide to marry after a series of chaperoned dates. Many have turned to technology to aid in their search for a spouse. Websites like Shaadi.com and cell phone text messaging have gained popularity amongst the South Asian and Middle Eastern crowds interested in marriage.

Rigid gender segregation allows little room for men and women to become acquainted with one another on a personal level. This is the primary factor in this marriage crisis. Essentially, many communities prohibit the interaction of males and females, and if anything does happen, these communities have a tendency to attack these couples. If there is such a taboo placed on talking to fellow Muslims, men and women have been known to feel desperate and thus turn to non-Muslims for companionship.

These days I find an increasing number of South Asian and Middle Eastern (Muslim and non-Muslim) students on my campus and community with non-Muslim boyfriends and girlfriends. Male interracial dating and marriage is tolerated, while females are condemned, which is why they are the ones suffering more from this marriage crisis. I know specifically about 5 females in their late 20s who are pharmacists, teachers, grad school graduates, and so on who I am sure would like to get married soon but have been unsuccessful because the “good” guys are taken. Their parents are to blame because they cannot let go of this cultural attitude of “keeping face.” There are Muslim men out there, but these girls don’t have the support to seek them out. Instead, their parents are waiting around for a good guy from the same town, city, or village the family whose family lived in before coming to the States. What the heck?!

Unfortunately, thousands of other Muslimahs are experiencing the same thing.

I blame the elders for this mess.